The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
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Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again