7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
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Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.