If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
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ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
peeping toms