People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
You Might Also Like
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Basketball
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
I was just discussing this with my cat
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.