Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
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Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso