Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
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Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Duolingo getting serious.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?