Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
You Might Also Like
can鈥檛 believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
I worry that without my car鈥檚 skid warning light I鈥檇 have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
#Caturday
Anna: I think I鈥檓 turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it鈥檚 time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Not to brag but I鈥檓 an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
馃攰
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it鈥檚 bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don鈥檛 know wtf you鈥檙e talking about
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here鈥檚 everything i know about the jonestown massacre
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they鈥檒l wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I鈥檓 excited that I won鈥檛 have to drive them to birthday parties.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.