It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
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by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Usage Guidelines
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition