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You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class