I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
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Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]