iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
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My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.