Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
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Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Looking at you, Jesus.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
“you changed” bro i was 15
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.