*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
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If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Meanwhile in Canada…
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
i can’t wait that long