The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
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Cheers Twitter.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
this is me
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!