The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
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Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
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This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
This is my brand.
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Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
If you love someone, let them tweet.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
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Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.