People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
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free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Finally
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May