People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
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In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Born to be mild.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.