People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
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I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
We decided to have money instead of children.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.