People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
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Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Pretty much. 🤣
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
I laughed at this way too hard.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts