Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
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ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
🤣🤣
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.