POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
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I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE