Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
You Might Also Like
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be