wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
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Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
me hitting on a model
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.