“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
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I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him