When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
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I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.