“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
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What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem