There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
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NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.