So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
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Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body