I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
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Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]