@Izianikapani

So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.

I’m really not seeing the down side here.

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@LeahTiscione

I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry

@TheTweetOfGod

This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics

@knot_eye

Relationship Status:

My dog was just licking my ear.

I didn’t stop her.

@UnFitz

Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.

@NamestartswithZ

Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.

@Dawn_M_

My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.

@Sultani_Sails

Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.

@bazecraze

People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.

@RodLacroix

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]