marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
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Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs
my children:
me:
my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless