marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
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When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”