The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
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found this cool rock hiking today
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Name another movie that mislead you?
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad