Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
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Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.