Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
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What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
Print is alive and well!!!
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.