BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
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What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
spicy snake
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.