Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I never use essential oils

Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire

Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.

Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*

Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”

god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy

REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:

So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.

I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.

*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading

To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.

My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…

Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”

construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again

*tries to lose weight by talking about it*

Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!

Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*

Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution

I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.

How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”

Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”

Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.

Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along

My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.

Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.

Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.

I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.

“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it

Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.

When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.

Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.

Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit

If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.

Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.

“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry

st pete:

me:

st pete:

me: was it my browser history?

st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:

– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey