When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
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Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Very good news from my accountant
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I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Fiction has to make sense.
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Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Breaking news:
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Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators