When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
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Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
sleeping beauty
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
lol
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either