My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
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Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”