boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
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Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Pretty much. 🤣
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia