Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
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Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
When someone says you are so lazy