Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
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I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
🤣🤣🤣
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.