It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
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🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.