🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
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The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Put this video in the Louvre
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night