“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
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honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.