@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
You Might Also Like
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .