@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
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*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
HR said no more nunchucks.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
is this store having a stroke wtf
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.