Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
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A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
The days of good grammer has went
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.