Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
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My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
That’s classic.
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Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
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There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*