Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.

[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*

[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?

Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”

This is now my favourite pie chart ever.

Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?

Me: Guess

Friend: What’s its name?

Me: Spork

Horrifying if literal: a handbag

Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.

My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.

Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99

Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99

Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.

Temple Run is a really motivating game.

“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.

Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.

I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”

Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON

I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: OH NO

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.

Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right

“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”

Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?

*the sky turns red and warm*

My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.

Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.

Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…

Prince William: Definitely not racistly!

Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.

you are so beautiful without makeup.

-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.

a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods

*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes

My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.

Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.

Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.

Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.