Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
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Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings