Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
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If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Otters see a butterfly.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
All is fair in drunk and war.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?