Otters see a butterfly.
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When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Van Gone
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
is this a threat
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD