That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
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People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
My dating profile:
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?