That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
You Might Also Like
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Love this one 😂🧟
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED