USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
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10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other