me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
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If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Cha-ching is my safe word
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No