If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
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Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
some things should go without saying
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
My blood type is coffee.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
can you read it!!??
maan!
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.