My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
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Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses