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i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Y’all know who you are.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805