Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
You Might Also Like
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Life hack
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.