I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
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Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Pretty much. 🤣
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
peep davidson
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”